My Tapley Tree...and its Branches: Checking In

Sunday, October 23, 2022

Checking In

Hello and welcome back to my genealogy blog. I have been away for almost 4 months! Time does fly by. I did not realize it had been so long. I apologize for the hiatus, but hopefully I can come back with more interesting stories about the "family" I have discovered. Tonight, though, I want to talk a little bit about the family I have known - the ones I have lost in the last year. It's been a lot of loss, and I don't believe that I have fully processed it.

Back in late February or early March, I received a call from my niece. She asked me if I knew "Aunt Patty" had died? Her Aunt Patty was my sister. No, I did not know she had passed. Turns out she had passed 4-5 months earlier on October 11, 2021. Pat had not spoken to me in over 10 years, but my mom still spoke with her from time to time. I would think her family would have at least let my mom - Pat's stepmother - know. Or her niece. They didn't.

Then almost immediately after receiving this news, I heard again from my niece. This time her father - my brother - died on March 21. Now I had not spoken to my brother in probably 25-30 years; neither had my mom. I tried to be supportive and helpful to my niece - even stepping in and finding my other niece (her sister) and giving her the news. I spent hours trying to find her, and when I did, it was another disappointment for me in this dysfunctional family. She was only interested in what she could get, and I did not hear from her again when I wouldn't give her anything. My oldest niece, the one I was trying to support and help in this difficult time, hasn't spoken to me since her father's funeral. I have no idea why.

Now what you may be thinking here is why don't I just call her? I gave up chasing her many, many years ago. I haven't seen her since I left Georgia in 2011. We talk very rarely. I used to try... a lot. After a while, I got tired of being the one calling and trying to stay in touch. So I gave up. The (not so) funny and ironic thing is that she said to me after her father died that she didn't not want us to end up like the rest of the family - not talking or seeing each other - and dying without making things right. And I haven't heard from her since.

Yes, I was estranged from my brother and sister. Our relationship has always been complicated. First of all, they were 20 and 18 years older than me - my father's children from his first marriage. He was 38 years old by the time he had me. I was raised by my father. He practically abandoned Harry and Patty. He showed up in their lives very sporadically and did not support them at all. My brother was in the military so he only visited occasionally when I was growing up. I worshipped him, but he was a liar, a user, and an abuser. I saw that once I became an adult. So I cut off contact once my youngest niece was grown herself and out of his house.

I didn't even meet Pat until I was 5 or 6 years old. She had a lot of resentment toward my father. I can remember many cards and letters he sent her over the years that would come back marked "Return to Sender." I honestly believe she was jealous of me for having him in the house my entire childhood. There were a couple of times as adults we tried to forge a relationship, and I told her then that growing up with our father was no picnic, and she didn't have a reason to be jealous of me. In the end, my sister could not or would not accept who I am, so she cut off contact.

Yet, it hit me hard when they both passed. They were my brother and sister. No matter what happened between us, they were family. We had the same blood flowing through our veins. My sister and I looked alike, talked alike, walked alike, and had the same sense of humor. We both were like our father. My brother used to write me cards and letters when I was young. He was fun. He could be kind, like when he bought me my first pair of contacts. Yes, I regret not having things right between us before they left this earth. While my brain knew I wasn't at fault, my heart still hurt for the loss and what might have been.

On June 27, my Aunt Evelyn passed away. She was 90 years old and tired. She had been suffering for a while. I am sorry I didn't get to see her one last time. She was a beautiful person, full of love and care. She accepted me completely and loved me unconditionally. She was my mother's sister, and the last aunt I had. I miss our talks. I miss the many times she would repeat how much she loved me before we hung up the phone. Another pain to my heart.

Then on September 21, my first cousin, Ronnie, passed away. Ronnie was the son of my favorite uncle, Hugh, and had been a part of my life my entire life. He loved the genealogy work I did, and would drive all the way up from Jacksonville, Florida, to meet me in Johnson County and visit family cemeteries. Ronnie was grumpy, hard-headed, a loner, and most likely depressed. In other words, he was a typical Tapley! And losing him has taken another piece of my heart.

Mom and I are headed to Jacksonville this week for Ronnie's memorial service. I will get through it, but I expect it will be difficult. Life is very short. This is brought home to us as we get older and begin to lose those we love. While it is inevitable, it is not easy. No matter the complications in the relationship, it still hurts me.

So 2022 has not been particularly kind. As always, I deal with it. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, cats to love, and an unbelievably kind, sweet, and wonderful mother. And I do genealogy "stuff" every chance I get!